As always, this blog is being used as an outlet; something which is needed even more so at this time of year I find. I don’t even really know what I want to write, aside from that I’m struggling a bit today. And I guess it feels more prominent because only a matter of days ago I felt really happy. This time of year used to be my favourite and one I would feel so excited about leading up to and during the Christmas period. However, over the years that feels like it’s changed; maybe part of it is being an adult and losing that magic of Christmas we all had as children. But I also think the older I get, the more obvious it is to me what I’m missing at Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I know that’s incredibly negative and I hate myself for even thinking like that, but also it’s the reality of how a lot of us feel during this time of year. This blog has never been anything but honest and raw and as much as I wish these thoughts and emotions weren’t a thing, they are. But hopefully by writing about them, it can go some way to show people that it’s not uncommon to feel them. I have seen a lot of posts on social media this year about how Christmas can be an unsettling time for people and that if you’re finding it hard, it’s just 24hrs to get through. And then it’s done. So, I feel we are definitely moving forward with showing the reality of how as much as we would all love to feel excited and content right now, it doesn’t always happen like that.

Christmas is a time to celebrate families, love, health, happiness. All of life’s joys and a time to appreciate all that we have and be thankful for that. Which I am. I am so incredibly thankful and grateful and in awe of the love I have around me and I adore my family and friends. But just as we feel an outpouring of love, we can also feel loneliness and sadness at what’s missing or what we might have lost. There’s a saying: “grief is the price we pay for love” and it’s never felt more true this last year or two.

One thing I find more difficult at this time of year, is reaching out for help and support. Not because I don’t have it, or don’t have people I can call. But because I feel guilty for feeling this way when I am so lucky to have what I do. And I hate feeling like I’m projecting my feelings onto other people when it’s meant to be a happy time of year. But do you know what? I still reach out. I still talk to my friends and tell them I feel lonely. Or that I’m finding it hard. And I do that because if they knew for one second that I was sat alone, upset, and I didn’t ask for help, it would break their hearts. And because I need to. That is how I know even more how lucky I really am, because not everyone has people who they can turn to at any point. I’m lucky because I have people who love me and who always lift me up.

I’m lucky despite the loneliness and one day, this time of year will be everything I’ve ever wished for, and maybe it’ll be my turn to lift up instead of reach out.