I’ve spent the last week mulling over what my next blog post would include, and to be honest I still haven’t even decided. I’m just kind of winging it. All I know is I needed to write. Even if its just to rant (one of my favourite pasttimes) or use this as a way to process my feelings and thoughts.
Sometimes shit just doesn’t go as planned. Things happen that you couldn’t have predicted and its thrown me completely. I’ve spent the last nine days toying between wondering why I wasn’t enough, to fuck this I’m not wasting my time even trying to analyze it. Today, I’m somewhere in between.
I’m not someone who lets people in easily at all, don’t get me wrong I am nice to people and build relationships with all kinds of people in all aspects of my life, but to let The Wall down is a completely different story. A few months ago I decided that I was ready to change that; I’d met someone that I wanted to change that for and it was actually a relief. I wanted to show them all the parts of me: the good things that everyone wants to portray but also the parts that weren’t as lovable but were a part of me all the same. Bad choice? Maybe.
This week has been a difficult week in lots of ways, I’ve had to use a lot of my strategies I learnt through CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in order to keep myself focused on the present and not let myself slip back into old habits or allow myself to go back to a place that scares the shit out of me. I am so proud of myself. And those words don’t come easily to me, I am my biggest critic but this week has shown me how far I’ve come. I am so grateful for the people I have around me, and I’ll never tire of thanking them, they have proven to me time and time again that they are here for me every step of the way.
I find it difficult to accept the feelings and thoughts that I have yet this is the only way to process them and move forward. It’s a double ended sword for me. On one hand I have to let myself properly feel and think these terrible things, allowing them to at times break me temporarily. Or on the other hand, ignore how I’m feeling and let the anxiety that comes hand in hand with that pretence consume me. I know which route I’m taking this time. The broken version of me is horrible, but it gives me a chance to reevaluate everything. It gives me a chance to start again, build myself back up bit by bit and remind myself that shit happens. I am worth so much more than meaningless words, empty promises and disrespect.
And screw anyone who thinks different.