Today is not a good day. Why? I don’t know. And these days I find the hardest. When there is a reason for these feelings I find it easier to deal with, regardless of how irrational that reason may be. But when you wake up with this feeling in the pit of your stomach, an overwhelming feeling of unease and sadness and can’t figure out why, how are you meant to overcome it? How are you meant to find your solution and feel like ” you” again. Because this sure as hell isn’t me. And I miss me today.
Anxiety makes me question everything. Even the smallest of things and it drives me crazy. On a “normal” day, I am a rational person and I can believe certain things have a reason and aren’t my fault. But when Ben is around its like I lose all ability to see things rationally. I think the worst of every situation just because my brain tells me it MUST be that. People not texting or calling me isn’t because they are sleeping or busy. Its because they don’t want to talk to me; they don’t want me part of their life anymore and they don’t care about me. To feel that way about something so irrelevant and small bothers me a lot. When I am without Ben I don’t even think about these things; I go about my day not questioning what people’s intentions are or how they might feel towards me. It isn’t relevant to me on good days. I am confident and self assured on good days. I love me on good days.
I sit here and I wind myself up when I am in this state of mind. I have so many things to be happy and grateful for. And trust me, I am. But those things are clouded when Ben’s around. They are contorted and twisted into something they’re not when Ben’s around. I annoy myself because I think why do I feel this way when I have so many things that people could only wish for? I have an amazing family, incredibly supportive friends and a roof over my head. So why do I feel so bad?
I wish I knew the answer, and I wish that all those good things were the key to ending my mental illness. God, if only it was as easy as that. This is half the reason why I used to, and to some extent still do, find it difficult to talk about these feelings and thoughts bubbling inside me. I know how important it is to talk; I will encourage it till the cows come home. But what I won’t do is say its easy. Because that’s the last thing it is. I hate feeling vulnerable and I hate feeling like I should ask for help. But I do it because I need to.
I don’t like feeling bad things about myself but Ben utterly convinces me these things are true. He makes me question why someone would want to be my friend or partner when there are people they could have who don’t come with this baggage. My friends would shake the shit out of me for saying that, they’d tell me all the good things about me and the reasons why they are friends with me. And deep down I know I’m a good friend; partner and person but Ben hides that from me and just focuses on the negative.
Today is not a good day. And I fucking hate Ben.