I’m not quite sure how to start this post; I have a lot of thoughts and emotions swirling around inside my head and the best way for me to try and unpick and process them is to write it down. Last year and the beginning of this year I had become really consistent with journaling daily; just one line a day, and I found that it was a great way to document memories and a useful tool for reflection later down the line. Then when I lost my Dad, I stopped. I remember writing ‘Dad died’ on the page of April 18th and I haven’t written in there since. I couldn’t bare to open the journal again and be anywhere near those words I had written on the page so I just stopped.

However, this weekend I start my Advanced Diploma in Counselling and I have a lot of reflections and potentially triggering discussions ahead of me so I wanted to go back to an outlet that I know is helpful for me: this blog. Nearly nine years ago it was a safe place for me to record my thoughts and feelings, then it became something I read back with a sense of pride for how I ‘came out the other side’. Now, I am hopeful that it can become a safe space for me again throughout this transitional period of my life and proof that I can do hard things.

As part of my course I have to have personal therapy sessions. For context, I still have counselling with my previous therapist but this is every 6-8 weeks and I needed something more regular, so I got in touch with another lady who I will be seeing biweekly. This evening, I had my first session and I was confused and somewhat disheartened by how I felt afterwards. My emotions following the session has absolutely nothing to do with the therapist; she was lovely and I am hopeful we will do some brilliant and rewarding work together. However, I have to acknowledge how I’ve been feeling since and try my best to stop avoiding these difficult emotions. On reflection, I think some of my feelings may be stemming from the fact I have such a strong, trusting bond with my current therapist, and I am struggling to see how I would trust someone else as much. But I am aware that this takes time, and isn’t something that is immediately present after one session with a virtual stranger. Additionally, the main focus for my new therapy sessions are going to be grief related. This decision has been made by me but it isn’t necessarily one that I want to do; more so that it’s something I need. I am aware of how much I have been blocking out my grief and not allowing myself to touch upon how I feel about it or process fully what has happened. This isn’t sustainable, nor healthy and if I want to become a counsellor myself, I need to ensure I am doing the work on myself too. I have to fill my own cup in order to help others fill theirs.

During tonight’s session, we discussed the ‘window of tolerance’ and how sometimes we go above the optimal zone – where we are regulated and coping with life – into flight/fight or we go below it into the realm of disconnect/numb. Following this, we can get so overwhelmed that we then actually go into the shutdown mode as our brains can’t cope with any more. Reflecting on my past experiences, I tend to usually become anxious more than disconnected, but I have noticed that recently this has been the opposite. After discussions with the new therapist, she feels that my brain is doing this out of protection because subconsciously it knows that if I start to think/process what has happened, it will cause too much overwhelm and I won’t be able to cope. Moreover, she feels this is why I have been blocking things out and choosing to keep busy and get on with ‘normal’ things as a way of avoiding the actual emotions deep down.

Since I have left the session, I have felt quite overwhelmed and emotional; feeling again that I want to just disconnect and push away the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for me. It is very hard to not do this as it has become a coping mechanism recently but I am trying to write it down so that it is not just stored in my head, primed for overthinking. My next session is in two weeks and I have been given some homework to complete which involves writing down how I feel during moments of regulation, overwhelm and disconnection and specifically where I feel it in my body. This links in with my new therapist working somatically a lot and supporting calming nervous systems and gaining control back. I am aware that therapy can sometimes feel worse before it feels better so I am hopeful that as time goes on, this will be a huge benefit to me and my future.