In the name of vulnerability and sharing uncomfortable things, I wanted to resurface a post I saved to my drafts weeks ago. In personal therapy, when we’re not in the midst of grief talk or reliving childhood traumas, we sometimes mix it up by discussing self confidence, or my lack thereof. This has been an ongoing theme throughout the last two therapists and since starting my journey to become an integrative therapist, I feel like it’s been heightened. I get imposter syndrome to the max every month and feel like I’m way out of my depth. But I still have an innate feeling that this is what I’m meant to be doing. I’m as good at listening as I am talking incessantly about everything and nothing all at once, and those who know me well can vouch for my inability to shut the f*ck up. And somehow they appreciate that in me!

My lack of self confidence is a confusing one, as I know I’ve mentioned on this blog in the past. I don’t have doubts about who I am, I know what qualities I have and I know what I do for the people that I love and care for. But there is still a part of me who struggles with feeling ‘enough’ or to have faith that things will work out the way I hope they do. I know that a lot of this comes from past experiences and at times receiving less than the bare minimum from those I love. It can be upsetting that these experiences have such an impact later down the line, whether that be romantically, in work or in my studies. I continue to work hard at trusting myself and knowing that no matter what happens, positive or not, I can handle it. The most difficult part to work through is not allowing any potential future experiences affect how I see myself and my worth; I’m learning that this is more complex.

The more I care about something, the more impact the outcome has on me. Take my course for example: I want to be a therapist, I want to help support others as a career and build a business that has a positive impact on clients who choose to work with me. Therefore, when I face constructive criticism, it impacts me deeper because I care so much about making a success of this and using my skills effectively. However, I can be too harsh and critical on myself, way more than any observer ever could. I am learning to give myself the compassion that I show others and remind myself that we are all beginners at some stage; this doesn’t mean I won’t reach my goal and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m not going to make a brilliant therapist.

In terms of dating and relationships, another layer of complexity is added, given my previous experiences. Most people who know me know I have been unfortunate in some of my relationships; ranging from not having my needs met, not feeling safe, seen or heard, to the extreme case of an ex having two extra relationships (at least) alongside the one with me. This has all led me to become really protective of myself whenever feelings are involved; I almost predict the rejection before it happens and have been known to avoid continuing something because of the risk of being hurt. Sort of a “I’ll leave you before you leave me” kind of situation. However, I am working really hard to unlearn this and stop old habits. I certainly am a work in progress still!

If anyone has any tips for building up self confidence and learning how to lean into something scary without the added bonus of spiraling emotionally, please let me know! I am committed to bettering my responses to things: learning how to soothe the protective element enough to let people in, believe in myself and create meaningful interactions both personally and professionally.