Today, someone whose opinion I value highly asked about this blog: they asked for an update on my posts, and when I admitted that I second guess what I post now more than I ever did before, they were surprised. As someone whose had years of therapy, is training to be a therapist herself and who bangs on about being open, I can see why. “I’m surprised you’re not more open following therapy, not less” were their words. And I totally get it: practice what you preach and all that!

My self awareness has grown tenfold through all the therapy, studying and general life experiences over the nine years that this blog has existed, and for me, it has been so incredibly valuable in many ways. But it also brings an element of vulnerability too. When I first started this blog, I was in my early twenties, struggling with a level of anxiety that felt unmanageable at times and feeling very lost. I didn’t know who I was, what was happening with me or why it was happening. I started to write because it gave me a way to express my thoughts and feelings without having to voice them out loud; it gave me a chance to document what I was experiencing and it almost became a way to process and understand it all using my own words. Looking back, the way I used this as a diary was why it helped; it was personal to me and I didn’t mind whether I was judged for what I wrote because it was a part of me and my experience.

Fast forward to being in my early thirties, and in a completely different place mentally and emotionally, the way I show up here has changed. And I’m not a fan of it, to be truthful. I miss the naive way I used to write: authentically and unapologetically myself. I find myself questioning things I write now, I have many drafts of my ‘inside’ thoughts that just never got posted through fear of judgement or misunderstanding. Why do I care more about that now? Is it because I’m more removed from that ‘version’ of me now? I am still figuring that out.

But until then, I am just going to keep writing and hope that the part of me that feels reluctant to share starts to dissipate, and that I am reminded of the benefits its given me over the years. The way being open and authentic has led me to where I am in my life, all for the better, and how being vulnerable pushes me out of my (somewhat rigid) comfort zone, which definitely isn’t a bad thing.

When I reflect on that young girl, who found so many things difficult due to Ben, it’s hard to imagine being in that place. Over the last decade, I have pushed through many fears in order to regain a happy, content and fulfilling life. When I was in the midst of the worst of the anxiety, I just wanted so badly to feel ‘normal’ and do ‘normal’ things like go to the shop on my own, go to work, go to sleep etc. all of which I struggled with at some point in my journey. It feels like such a distant memory, almost as if it wasn’t my reality for so long. It has taken years to get to the point I’m at now, where I can push through almost all of my fears and truly know that I will be okay and that things will work out. It has taken years to trust myself, to have faith in myself that I will cope absolutely fine if I just give myself the chance. If you’d have told me a decade ago that my life would be as calm (for the most part) as it is now, I’d have looked at you in disbelief. Calm was never in my vocabulary back then! And ironically, in my therapy skills practice, my feedback is always that I am calm and serene and hold space well for others. How the tables have turned!

So maybe now, for those people who read this and are struggling, who are in a similar place to where I once was, I can give them some perspective. I’m not saying that life is sunshine and rainbows, and trust me you don’t want it to be, you don’t learn best that way! My best qualities were born from lived experiences embedded with pain and trauma. I wouldn’t be as kind, compassionate or understanding now, if I hadn’t gone through some really really shitty things. But my advice would be to push through, to want more for yourself and to believe that there is a better version of you waiting.