There are occasions where life doesn’t run as smoothly as you’d like; things happen beyond your control and you can often feel thrown off balance. Sometimes these occasions are similar or almost identical to previous ones – you’d think that this would give you the tools to manage it better; to feel more in control and positive. But actually, sometimes, knowing the emotional journey that you’re about to embark on doesn’t bring reassurance. It brings dread. You know how this feels; you know it’s not solved instantly; you know it’s not fixed immediately.
I find these occasions the hardest. I’m all for learning from mistakes and experiences, but sometimes knowing what’s to come can make the negative feelings deeper and more profound. I don’t want to feel that way again; I don’t want to ‘learn from this’; I want to bury my head in the sand until this feeling has passed. But of course life doesn’t work like that.
It’s times like these where I am acutely aware of how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who love me and care deeply for me. They listen to me muddle through my emotions time and time again, giving me honest and heartfelt advice based truly on their love for me and my wellbeing. They remind me of my attributes and that it won’t feel like this ‘forever’.
They’re right, of course.
But it feels like this now. And that’s where I struggle. I can feel things so deeply and I spend a significant amount of my time analysing and picking apart every conversation; every action; every reaction. This isn’t always helpful or healthy for me – I am my own worst critic and so I take so much to heart when it comes from others, even when I am still so sure of my morals or traits. It is so conflicting to know you’re a good person; but at this moment feel like you’re not.
Now, don’t get me wrong, Ben isn’t on the scene. He has kept a fair distance from me over the last few weeks surprisingly. But in his place is sadness – an emotion that I am yet to manage very well. I have always been told I need to sit with my emotions and really feel them. That’s how we grow stronger and deal with situations that hurt us. But I always want to run from sadness, the same way I want to run from Ben. And so it is an internal battle between needing to try and accept these feelings for what they are, and making myself so busy that I don’t have the time nor the energy to think about how I feel. I know the latter isn’t healthy for me – I need to recognise how I feel and deal with it or Ben will sneak his way in before I’ve even got a chance to prepare myself.
I am always open with how I feel on this blog, especially during low moments. It is my outlet and a way in which I can begin to deal with my emotions in a healthier way than I have done in the past. I mean, wine is lovely but it certainly doesn’t mix well with heartbreak.
So here’s to muddling through the sadness until I’m a little less lost.