When I was young I never thought about ‘happiness’ being something I would strive for. My naive mind assumed that I just would be full of it, like I was as a child. As I’ve gotten older, it’s apparent that it’s the only thing I want from my life. Everything else falls short compared to true happiness.
I have a home, people who love me, a job I enjoy. I am one of the lucky ones. But, knowing this makes me feel worse when I don’t feel happy. Why isn’t this enough?
Right now, I don’t feel happy and I don’t entirely know why. We all have days like this, I know. But they confuse me and I’ve never really understood how to come through them as quickly as I’d like.
I don’t want my happiness to be defined by a person, a place or things. I want to be happy within myself, for myself and because of myself. But right now, I’m just not. And I’m struggling with that.
I have reached out to people close to me and to those who have given me their time and listened, I’ve tried to articulate how I’m feeling. Not an easy thing when I don’t understand it myself. But the fact that these people don’t just ‘accept’ that I feel down and change the subject; they continue to delve deeper, they reiterate that they are here for me and they show me they care and that they want to try and help.
I’ve always shouted from the rooftops about how imperative it is to talk to people about how you’re feeling; for yourself and for them. I think sometimes people need to hear that you’re not okay in order to understand your behaviour or make allowances if necessary. But I also never say that it is a cure for these emotions – I so badly wish that was the case, but they will still remain there after we’ve voiced them. The important part is that you’re not alone with how you’re feeling anymore. These emotions can be scary and worrying, but they will pass just as they always do. And I’m reminding myself of that today. It doesn’t help much right now, but it’s the truth and I know it.
Writing has always been something that helps me and my mental health; this blog isn’t sunshine and rainbows majority of the time but that doesn’t mean my life is a reflection of that. It’s just an outlet for me during times of difficultly and I hope that people find comfort in the fact that although these emotions can feel extremely profound at the time, they don’t last forever.
This too shall pass.