How do I explain that I need to stay in control?
Or I will feel dread in the pit of my stomach; that I’ll start to unroll.
How do I explain that I always need to be prepared?
For all the outcomes, the possibilities; no ‘what if’ is spared.
How do I explain why being alone feels like a scary place?
That when I’m on my own, the fear will surely encase.
How do I explain that even when I ask the same question five times, my brain still isn’t reassured?
That if there is even just a minuscule of doubt, Ben will be there in a shot. How can I be cured?
How do I explain why sometimes I pick myself apart?
That I doubt myself tenfold; I don’t deserve a fresh start.
How do I explain the daily battle between Ben and the rational part of my brain?
That sometimes he holds the puppet strings; causes so much pain.
How do I explain why our brains just aren’t the same?
That I will immediately go to the worst case scenario; that I am the one to blame.
How do I explain that I do try and try?
But sometimes I need to sit there, let it out and cry.
How do I explain that I am fed up?
That I’m pouring from an empty cup.
How do I explain to everyone else how I feel?
When even to me it sounds surreal.