Relief

It still baffles me how much can change in such a short amount of time. You’d think I’d have gotten used to this by now. But no. It still throws me. 
However, this time has been vastly different. And that itself baffles me even more. 
Am I stronger? Am I getting better? Is Ben taking a back seat and finally giving me a break? Your guess is as good as mine. Or maybe all three are entwined. No one without the other.
All I know is I’m so relieved. I predicted my downfall: prepared myself for the heightened state of anxiety; the panic attacks and sleep deprivation that always seems to follow a big unwanted change in my life. 

But to be totally honest, they’re not here. I’m sleeping, I’m eating, I’m medication free. And not one single panic attack since July 15th. 

Ben, I’m enjoying your long overdue holiday. Please take as much time off as you need. 

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