These last two months have been some of the most steady and settled times I’ve had over the course of my “cohabiting” with Ben. For those that know me personally and have dealt with my anxiety in close proximity will recognise how big of an achievement this is. There have been times where I have had a good run of it for a couple of weeks, but two whole months. That being said, the last three days have been a struggle. And this is okay. Because 1. I predicted it, and 2. I’m stronger now.
Obviously this shit doesn’t feel okay. Not in the slightest. I can feel myself resorting back to old habits and old thoughts. That is my biggest battle. I have been having hypnotherapy in order to control this and although during these sessions I’ve found it very helpful to think back over the week and recognise all the positives; when I’m in this moment with Ben, he is pulling back control from me slightly. But you know what? He can do that; he can revel in that satisfaction if he wants. But it will be short lived. And that is where my progress is so blinding to me.
Rewind to one year ago: I was struggling to go to work; eat; sleep, you name it. Ben had me tightly in his vice. I saw no way out. I was sometimes paralysed with the fear that this is what my life would be like forever. And even months after I overcame this period of my life, I would be so frightened of returning to that place. I had no true faith in myself.
Fast forward back to now: I have felt Ben’s presence over the last few days, profoundly last night and today. I have voiced these feelings to some of the closest people to me and they have supported me as always. They have re-assured me; distracted me and ultimately been there for me through this little wobble. The smallest things make the biggest difference: a listening ear being the most powerful of all.
I can understand now that sometimes I might have these days; the days where I doubt myself and struggle to keep those negative thoughts in check. But its not permanent. Ben isn’t going to be my lifelong companion. His outlook on life sucks.
And I don’t want to listen anymore.