It’s been a while since I felt like I really wanted to write. And that’s actually been a positive thing, in the sense that I’ve been so well in myself that it kind of took a back seat. This has been the longest consistent time of feeling settled and grounded, and it’s been a massive relief.
The last few days, however, have felt different. Not hugely; I’ve still been able to continue without medication and day-to-day activities. But I can just feel something is off. There are so many potential reasons for this, and more than likely, it’s a combination of them all. I’ve made decisions recently that have been ultimately the right ones for me, but any kind of change is like a red flag to Ben. And I’m doing my best to keep him at bay but there’s been moments where I’ve felt him almost pulling me back under.
It’s so easy to pretend that I’m totally fine, that I’m still settled and coping. Sometimes I even say it because I don’t feel able to have the conversation as to what’s going on inside my head. It doesn’t make sense to me so why will it make sense to someone else? Which is so contradictory to what I always preach about – ‘talking is the best therapy’. But trust me, IT IS. And I am well aware of that. But like I’ve said previously, just because I know this, doesn’t mean I find it easy.
The last few days I’ve spent a great deal of time analysing and unpicking my thoughts and feelings. Something I tend to always do when I’ve had a change in my life. I feel like I need to gage how I’m feeling about particular things, as sometimes I bury my head in the sand and try to kid myself that I don’t care or it’s not affecting me. And recently, I’ve been thinking about things that happened almost a year ago. And I’m confused as to why these things are still playing such a big part in my head. Maybe I don’t have any closure, or maybe there’s a part of me that knows it’s unfinished business.
When I start divulging into these thoughts, it can awaken Ben’s favourite past time. The “what if” game.
What if I did something different?
What if I didn’t say/do one particular thing?
What if.. what if.. what if..
And I really don’t like being a part of this game. It’s a lose-lose for me. It takes away time from my present and future.
Being at work is something that helps keep me grounded, if I am well enough to be there, and it has helped massively during tug of wars with Ben. So currently being snowed in whilst I’m having a low period is less than ideal, but that’s life and it’s something I have to learn to cope with proactively.
Which I probably haven’t been great at today as I’ve been sat watching either Luther (one of the best series on Netflix, so go watch) which sets my adrenaline levels through the roof or bloody relationship programs that just entice Ben to start up his trip down memory lane. Don’t help myself sometimes!
I use my blog as a way to share my experiences, thoughts and feelings. They don’t always make sense, but writing it down makes it easier for me to deal with. And I’ve learnt over the last 3 years that although days like this are awful and they remind you of the scariest times, they don’t last. They are just part of life and it’s not always happiness and rainbows. Sometimes it’s snowstorms and darkness.
But the sun will always rise again.