Word Vomit

There are many ways in which Ben interferes in my life; sometimes he can appear for months at a time, others hes here fleetingly before giving me some relief. Since having the Unconscious Mind Therapy I have felt significantly calmer: I think noticing that it had had a positive impact on my phobia eased some of my anxieties surrounding it. However, that doesn’t mean to say I’ve been free from all aspects of poor mental health. The last few days I have felt quite low; not anxious, just really sad. I recognise these times as I have been here before on a number of occasions where I just feel lost and without a ‘plan’ in place for the future as such. The recent news stories surrounding mental health have had more of an impact on me than I would have predicted and I feel that getting my thoughts and feelings out in writing may be beneficial.

When I hear about a person choosing to end their life I feel an astounding amount of sadness for them. I haven’t experienced being suicidal; I have felt like I want my mental pain to stop, but not to the extent of wanting to harm myself in order to achieve this. I can’t even begin to fathom how low and desperately unhappy someone must feel to make this decision and it breaks my heart to know there are people in the world who cannot find the happiness every single person deserves. Outwardly, especially through social media, we are often tricked into thinking that some people ‘have it all’; I am well aware of this yet I still sometimes fall into the trap of believing that I am somewhat lacking in life somewhere. I’ve done it these last few days and I no doubt will do it again at some point because unfortunately Ben grabs onto moments of doubt and sadness like a vice and only wants to add to the overthinking. I find it very difficult because despite knowing I shouldn’t compare my life to others, I can’t help it. When I sit and reflect on how I envisioned my life to be by now; its so vastly different to what I’d pictured it can sometimes make me feel really low. These periods don’t last for months like Ben, sometimes a day or so and sometimes a couple of weeks, but they are worth acknowledging because it is just another side of mental health that needs to be spoken about. I know it is okay to feel the way I am feeling right now; I don’t enjoy feeling this way but I know myself well enough to recognise blips and remember they don’t last forever. And I also know that everyone at some point will have pictured their life a certain way and it not materialised and the disheartening feeling that follows.

Social media for me is a blessing and a curse. I love following people who have overcome adversity; people who don’t take life too seriously and people who are open and honest about the struggles as equally as they are their highlights. Those people have traits that I admire so much and they inspire me to want to be kinder on myself and continue to share my own feelings in order to lessen the ideology that everyone needs to have their sh*t together. However, when I’m feeling low my view on things can be obscured and be noticeably more negative than normal. I can feel myself being pessimistic and putting a downer on certain things. Which in turn actually infuriates me because I want so badly to always be positive, but in reality I am just a normal person with complex emotions and thoughts that don’t always a-line with that. Social media is a haven for comparison and I’m definitely not immune to that. I compare my life to others on the daily and can get myself into a rut that only exacerbates Ben.

I’m not sure what I’m really trying to say today, I just want to always be honest about how I’m feeling. Despite at the moment it being significantly negative; I’m sure the next time I write I’ll be feeling more myself again. My aim by writing openly is that if someone reads this and resonates with the way my brain works sometimes, then that’s one person who doesn’t feel alone anymore. And if I only help one person through this blog then its served its purpose. Me, myself and Ben started as a way for me to channel my thoughts and show people that outwardly on my social media and even in real life I can come across a certain way – confident, happy, settled etc. But in reality I don’t always feel like that and that’s okay.

It is completely and utterly okay to not be okay.

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