Diary Of Me: 1

I never wanted my blogs to be consistently negative, however, I always promised myself I’d write openly and honestly. For my own benefit if not for everyone else’s. Even when it’s scary and vulnerable to say how I truly feel, even when I leave myself open to judgement and ridicule, even when none of it makes any sense. Therefore, I’ve decided to try and write more often in a diary type way, to note down my emotions and work through them via my blog just as I’m doing within myself. Maybe then I can look back at the difficulties and be my own inspiration.

I’ve mentioned before this low feeling I’ve been having recently, it’s not been every day constant sadness. But it’s been lingering longer than I’ve experienced previously. I have a good few days and then it’s like a switch is flipped and it goes dark inside my head. Truthfully, I feel at a loss at how to manage it.

Coming back to work after a long summer holidays and an amazing wedding abroad was bound to deflate me in some respects, but it’s actually been a relief. I’m glad to have my routine back, to be challenged again with new little ones and feel like I have a place somewhere that I’m needed. But the minute I’m back home, by myself, I feel low. I’ve never particularly enjoyed my own company, always preferring to be surrounded by people I love but this feels different somehow. I don’t feel bored, I don’t feel lonely as such, I just feel a bit empty. Like I don’t know what to feel about the future, or even the present when my mind isn’t fully focused on something.

I had a brilliant time away with my family in Greece; it made me feel part of something again and allowed me to fully immerse myself in the happiness and excitement of the wedding. So maybe coming back to reality has added to this new confusing feeling of numbness that comes and goes. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that currently when I think about the things I have planned for the future, I don’t feel the excitement or eagerness that I would usually feel. But the thought of having no plans and nothing to work towards also fills me with dread. So I feel like it’s a bit of a double edged sword right now. Nothing seems to be balancing my life out in the way I desperately need.

I’m very good at talking to people about my emotions nowadays. I’ve learnt through experience the benefits of being open and allowing people to see the vulnerable side of you in order for them to help. Sometimes you can’t do that on your own and it’s not a weakness to admit that. But at the same time, I still struggle to talk at times. Not because I don’t trust people, not because I don’t think it will help, but because I don’t want to feel like a burden. Or feel like all I’m ever talking about recently is how shit I feel. I’m sure no one wants to hear that.

So again, I’m at a bit of a catch 22. I need to talk, so I do, but then I feel like an annoyance almost. Which then counteracts the positive aspect of talking about how I feel. Sometimes I feel embarrassed about my emotions. I don’t like feeling sad and I almost feel as though it’s my fault or that I should be able to change it easier. In my rational mind I know this isn’t true, but my brain just doesn’t allow me to recognise that all the time. Somehow I need to get rid of this idea in my head that people don’t care, or that I’m bothering them by talking. Because it’s just a negative cycle with no benefits to me or those around me. I am thankful that I can keep my emotions in check whilst doing my job, but I know I need to work on them behind closed doors in order to bring my happy self back.

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re stuck in a negative rut with no way out. Or that you’re not fully embracing life in general due to your emotions getting the better of you. I feel like I’m wasting time but I’m also very aware that every emotions needs to be recognised and allowed to pass through. I’m hoping that I can continue to do this until I begin to feel more on an even keel.

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