Diary Of Me: 2 – Here & Now

As always I have all the right intentions of writing regularly, and then life kind of just gets in the way. Or sometimes I find it hard to offload how I’m feeling so I wait until I feel more able to.

Things have been up and down recently; I’ve still not felt myself but in certain aspects of my life I’ve remained settled I.e. at work. For that I am so thankful as work is incredibly important to me and since being at this setting I have felt more content within my work environment. This attributes massively to the state of my mental health and can be my saving grace in times of difficulty.

The last couple of days have been tough; decisions have been made that I’m not sure on. I’m so much of an indecisive person anyway, but when it’s something so important I find it incredibly hard to know what the right decision is. And I worry so much about making the wrong one and living with regrets that I have created for myself. After voicing my feelings to a colleague, she made me realise how much time I spend worrying about the future, worrying about what might happen in a few years time, worrying about things needing to be how I picture them in my head. So much so that it causes me to lose sight of what I have right now. And I can pretty much guarantee that other people’s lives don’t always work out the way they picture them either.

I’m forever obsessing over what my life might look like in 2/3 years time, and further into the future. I obsess over my choices rather than focusing on how I feel now and what might make me happy now. Is this a part of my anxiety? I’m not sure. I guess maybe to a certain extent it is my way of trying to control certain aspects of life so that my future isn’t riddled with uncertainty. Or it might just be how I am as a person. But I do remember being younger and not worrying so frantically about what might happen, and instead enjoying the moments I was living in the present.

Is this what happened when we get older? Do we find it harder to be present and truly enjoy the moments in the moment? Are we too focused on trying to ‘create’ an ideal future that isn’t even guaranteed? Maybe when we’re younger we feel like we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us to worry about the future and the fun is to be soaked up now whilst we can.

And I know I’m only 25; I still do (hopefully) have my whole life ahead of me to learn, grow, make mistakes and start from scratch if need be. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the thought of my future and how it’s going to pan out that it can really affect me mentally.

I need to learn how to trust that the future will be what it will be; I will deal with whatever is thrown in my path just as I have for the last quarter of a century.

I need to learn to make more choices based on how I feel now rather than what might happen months, even years, down the line. I need to learn to make choices for me not anyone else and have faith that these choices are mine to make and they need no explanation.

I need to learn to focus on the here and now.

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